Coping with Grief in the First Year

There is no correct way to grieve, and no schedule you're failing to keep. Still, it can help to know that what you're feeling is shared by almost everyone who has walked this road.

The waves

Grief tends to come in waves rather than a steady decline. You can be fine in the cereal aisle and undone by a song thirty seconds later. This is normal. The waves don't mean you're going backward.

The "firsts" are hard

The first birthday, the first holiday, the first spring without them. Naming a first before it arrives can take some of its power away.

Small ways to carry it

• Let people help with concrete things — a meal, a ride, a form to fill out.
• Keep one small ritual: a walk, a candle, a phone photo you look at on Sundays.
• Move your body a little, even when you don't want to.
• Write things down — letters to them count.

When to reach for more support

If grief becomes something you can't function around — you can't sleep, eat, or get through the day for weeks — that is not weakness, it's a signal. A grief counselor or your doctor can help.

Be patient with the story

Eventually, the memory of how they died gives way to the memory of how they lived. You can't force that turn, but it does tend to come.